Should I even be dating??

Ok next chapter! And sorry folks but it's possibly a bit darker than previous ones due to a bit of a strange incident with coffee shop guy yesterday.

Those of you that have read my previous blogs know that life hasn't exactly always been that easy for me in terms of relationships.  You know I've struggled with depression, an abusive marriage and all the chaos that goes with that.  Close friends know my head is a bit of a mashed up pit and that it takes me a long time to open up and share secrets.  However, they also know as do those that follow me on twitter I'm essentially a little bit of a loony that tries to make the best of things where possible.  However, yesterday knocked my confidence a bit and left me questioning should I even be on a dating site.

So, this guy messages me.  Have to admit I replied to the first one but didn't see the follow ups, it was only the other day I saw one that said 'last try to say hello' or similar, so I message back and apologised.  I try not to be rude, but sometimes I genuinely do miss messages as we all do.  So, we start chatting and he seems quite sweet, several shared things in common and I think ok this could be a real possibility.  We message for a bit longer and it starts to get a little flirty and cheeky but nothing outrageous or graphic, just a bit of fun as it should be to start with.  He tells me about his life and interests and I tell him about mine and so far so good.  We both knew that there must a bit of history that can make life harder on both sides but what the heck we're grown ups and we can deal with stuff.  Ok, wasn't totally upfront about all of my history but equally you don't announce in first messages 'hey by the way I was really ill a few years back' you kind of hope that if they stick around long enough you'll feel comfortable enough to share.

And then he starts getting a little too keen for my liking, I've been in a controlling relationship and not about to fall back into one so I want to take things slower this time.  I want to be sure about someone before I hand over the keys to the castle as it were.  I tell him this, he says sorry and yeah that's fine so we pick up again and it's still funny and sweet and is making my tummy do those nice little butterfly wobbles when you think hmm I think I might like him and I'd be interested to see where it might go.

So we arrange a coffee, he asks to pick me up at home and my girl guide training says no a public place please first, am sure he's lovely but still you have to be careful these days as you never really know who you're chatting to.  Yes we've seen profile pictures of each other but truthfully they could be of anyone at any time so I'm always a little cautious on first meeting.

We meet for a coffee, he's got a lovely twinkle in his eye that says he could be more flirty in time and must admit I quite like that - but not as an opener you understand.  We chat, it's fun and easy with no stilted lulls or me thinking shit how can I escape easily without being rude? And I'm thinking hmm maybe date 2 could be on the cards.  So, long story short he goes to kiss me and not a peck on the cheek either, a full on snog and I stopped it.  He took me completely by surprise and yes I possibly did overreact a little too much but I'm in this for the long haul not a quickie round the bike shed if you get my meaning. He looks horrified and says he misread the situation.  How??? what did they expect?? Yes I'm flirty and a bit cheeky but not into whipping my bra off on date one!   He questioned if I had issues and tried to explain that yes my history has left me a little battle scarred and am not against some long kisses just not on date one.  I tried to explain that there would be plenty of time for that if things went well a few dates on, just not immediately as I've been single for a long time and want to take things slower.  I did sort of hope that was easy to understand and that it showed I had respect for myself, him and any possible future we may have.

A few hours later we sort of pick up the messages again, it's more stilted but eventually goes back to being fun and we arrange to meet up again so I'm thinking yay first hurdle out of the way but realise I need to share bits to explain a little bit more when we do meet up.  Then out of the blue I get a message saying sorry I can't offer you a relationship, only sex!  Blimey, where did that come from?? I've even shown the messages to some rather naughty boys on twitter privately (obviously names removed so no trace on either party) and even they said eek bit forward there Quirky on his part.  But this is my question, did I overreact due to my past history or did my instincts kick in? I've since been blocked on all sites by him which is a shame but guess that's life, so am off to check my inbox to see who's next!  Ooh, a paddleboard instructor - that could be a fun first date!

Quirky x